


Our Dreams Are Melting

by olivemartini



Series: Infinity War Saga [2]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, F/M, Pepper's pregant, Pre-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), and then Thanos, she's trying to tell him, tony doesn't know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-05-05 08:07:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14613612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/olivemartini/pseuds/olivemartini
Summary: She finds out she's pregnant on a Thursday.Tony never does figure out that he's going to be a dad.





	Our Dreams Are Melting

**Author's Note:**

> infinity war spoilers below

She finds out she's pregnant on a Thursday.

It isn't special.  This particular Thursday was no birthday or holiday, there were no threats to national security or any alien invading from a gaping hole in the sky.  This time, everything was ordinary, normal, the way it was for millions of other women across America, where she walks through the kitchen with a bundle of paperwork under her arm and a half eaten apple instead, and just happened to glance over at the calendar.  It only takes a quick calculation of the days for her to realize what was wrong ( _is wrong the word she wants to go with?  It seems like something she would feel bad for thinking later, but she could not think of any other description_ ) and then she is scrambling for her purse, grabbing her keys off the hook and shoving sunglasses down over her head, because there is no way she wants to be recognized today, not with what she was going out to by.  

Pepper makes it to the door before FRIDAY stops her, the voice floating down around her.  It's too loud, which meant that Tony was on one of his work binges last night, where he had to turn the volume up in order to hear her over the rock music.  That meant that he was having nightmares again, ones that drove him to make the defenses bigger and better than anyone else could, and even though Pepper was panicked and guilty over the fact that she had not noticed, there was no time to think about that now.  

"There's no need, Ms. Potts."  Somehow, the AI always seemed to know what she was thinking.  Pepper blames Tony for that, because he had made FRIDAY when they were taking a break from each other, and he had ( _accidently but maybe on purpose, he wouldn't say_ ) programmed her with Pepper's habits and opinions and speech patterns.  It was a bit unsettling, to have you words parroted back at you before you could even form the thought, but there are times like this where it is helpful.  "We can do a scan in the garage."

Pepper wants to say no.  She wants to say that this time she was going to do things the right way, the normal way, to drive to the store and buy a test and wait it out in the bathroom just like every other woman gets to.  That this moment would have none of Tony's life crowding in on her .  This moment would be hers.

But in the end, that's not what she does, because she had stopped thinking that way a long time ago.  There was no part of her life that got to be normal, and Pepper had made her peace with that long ago.  Sometimes, you have to make sacrifices to be around someone who burns as brightly as Tony does.

And she really, really doesn't want to get spotted buying a pregnancy test.

"Alright."  She hears herself say it like the words were coming from a long ways away, above her, maybe, or from a different room.  Pepper keeps one hand on her bannister and the other on her stomach the whole way down, like she might be able to tell on her own, some sort of mother's intuition.  "Just don't tell Tony, alright?"

 

 

She doesn't tell him.

Pepper's not sure why not.

She was planning to do it, all through dinner, because she had insisted they stay at home and eat a fancy meal that she had made them.  Tony knew something was up from the moment he got home, because Pepper had broken out the candles and spent all day slaving over a dinner that they were probably only going to pick at, anyways, but she wanted this moment, this one moment, to be perfect, and special, and everything she ever imagined when she was going to tell the man she loved that they were going to have a baby.

Except she says nothing.

Not when he comes home from work, where she could have said it without him looking at her face, excited enough that the words would burst out of her without deciding to say them, and he would freeze in the middle of undoing his cufflinks to stare at her, see if she was joking, and then pick her up by the waist and twirl her around the kitchen the way he would when they were first dating and he thought she needed to learn to take more breaks.  

Not when they're sitting at dinner, where she only pushes food around a plate and he pretends not to notice, but he can tell that something between them is stilted and stifled so he become extra exuberant to make up for it, throwing holograms of new inventions up on the wall and telling her funny stories on the lab ( _which is where she loves him most, where he is able to be who he is meant to be down at his core and it shows_ ) and doing impressions of the snobby board members she does not like.  Pepper had thought she would do it then, announce that she had something important to say, and when the truth was out he would be so happy that he might cry, come and kneel at her feet and put his hands over his stomach like he could feel the life growing inside of her, but the words don't come.

And she doesn't tell him later, either, when he takes her out on the balcony and points out the constellations to her, even though she knows that he hates the sky ever since the incident with the nuke and the portal, and the two of them end up slow dancing in the night air to music that is not playing, surrounded by the heavy sent of those flowers he planted when the therapists recommended he take up a hobby and Steve told him to try gardening.  She intends to, but that time, if she had said the words they would have been followed by tears and fear and the confession that she is not sure if this is something she wants, that she is not ready, and Pepper does not ever want to admit that out loud, not when she is so sure of herself every other time. 

There's one last moment, right when they're getting ready for bed, that she's almost tempted to admit it.  It's domestic and simple and lovely in the way that she thought she was never going to have him, where he stands in the doorframe of the bathroom and watches her brush her teeth, coming up to wrap her in a hug from behind, pressing a kiss down to her temple.  It is casual intimacy, and it is a reminder that what they have is real.

"Hey."  They're just swaying back and forth in front of the mirror, and Pepper stares at him, at the hands that bend metal and create new elements and are rough with calluses, the hair starting to grey, the eyes that have seen too much.  "Everything alright?"

There might have been a time when he would only be asking this question because he was anxious about the two of them, worried that she might leave, but now he is only offering her a hand to hold, a shoulder to lean on until she catches her bearings.  The reminder of how much they have both grown, how this is the time that it will stick, makes tears spring to her eyes.

"Yes."  She leans back into him, and he lets her.  "Everything's fine."

"It just seems that you wanted to tell me something."  He is watching her in the mirror, but Pepper does not meet his gaze.  "Something important?"

 _He knows,_ she thinks, just like he knows everything else in the world, but no, there's no way he could know this.  "Nothing."  She makes herself smile.  "Just that I love you."

(It is only later, when he is asleep and Pepper has slipped out of bed to go stand on that balcony, when there is no sound but the sound of her own breathing, that she lets herself admit that maybe the reason that she doesn't want to tell him is because she does not want to admit that it is real.  That no matter how much she must love this little girl or boy growing inside her ( _because she does love them, already, just knowing they are there_ ) she is still not ready, she is still scared, she is still afraid, she still maybe never wanted this.  She should get a few more days to keep it to herself.)

 

 

 She calls her sister.

Pepper's not really sure why, because she and her sister don't get along, but the other people she wanted to tell were all either on the run from the law or up in outer space somewhere, so she figured she would work with what she got.  It's a long conversation involving a lot of tears and giggling and her sister screaming so loud that Pepper thought her ear drums would burst, but by the end of it, she's almost ready to feel like she can do this.  That she might be able to tell Tony without being overwhelmed by fear.  That maybe she was going to be a good mom, even though her family was miles away and Natasha was on the run and Steve wasn't here to be the godfather like she and Tony had planned that one night where they got drunk.  that feeling -the feeling of being okay, that she was in control, that this was something that she could handle- lasted about five seconds, at which point she turned around and saw Peter standing there.

He looks so excited, you would think that he just got told he was going to have a little brother, or that they were paying for his entire college tuition.  ( _Which, they are, but he doesn't know it._ )  

"You-"

Pepper sighs.  "Don't say it."

"You're having a baby."  He says it, and he, for one, clearly thinks its great news, judging from how big the smile on his face was.  "That's amazing!"

He wraps her up in a hug.  Pepper almost stiffens and steps away from him, because other than sometimes holding his hand while a particularly bad break heals or cooking him food ( _he eats an abnormal amount of food, even more than Steve did_ _, but it was a chance for her to break out the cook books again_ ), she doesn't have much to do with this kid.  Peter is Tony's ( _friend?  son?  protégé?_ ) project, which means that even though he's always been perfectly polite to her, Pepper never saw any reason to intervene.

"Yeah."  There was something wrong in the way she was saying it, Pepper knows, and she would have to get much better at sounding excited about this if she's planning on starting to tell people.  "Great."

"What's the matter?  Are you worried about Tony?"  He's talking a mile a minute, but Pepper can't even blame him for the assumption, because when a girl gets pregnant and isn't automatically excited, everyone on the face of the planet thinks its because she's worried about what the husband/boyfriend might say.  It never seems to occur to them that it's the mother who might not be ready, who might not have planned on it, who did not know what to do.  That maybe, despite everything inside of her that is telling her that she loves this baby growing inside of her and that it's probably for the better, this was not something that she wanted.  "Because you shouldn't be.  He's going to be so excited, I know he wants kids.  He's going to make a great dad."

She's got enough time to marvel about how willing Tony is to overshare with people before she's hunching her shoulders and wrapping her arms around her stomach, a guard between her and the rest of the world, a divide between this reality she is living in and the truth that everything is about to change.

"It's not Tony that's the problem," She hears herself say, and wants to kick herself, because out of all the people she thought she would find herself behind honest to, the sixteen year old from Queens would not be one of them.  But here she is, sinking down onto the couch and staring up at him like he might have an answer to the problem, pressing her palms down on her thighs to keep them steady.  "It's me."

"You?"  His forehead crinkles, trying to figure it out, and when he does, Peter sits down, too.  He doesn't seem to know how to help.  "Do you not want kids?"

"I don't know."  Pepper rubbed at her temples, trying to chase away the head ache she could feel building.  "Is that alright?  To not know?"

"I guess."  Peter was wringing his hands together, and Pepper wishes she could get up and turn the lights down in a subtle way, a way where he didn't know she was doing it just because Tony had told her he gets overwhelmed easily.  "But for the record, I think you're going to be a great mom."

"Thanks, Peter."  She gave him a real smile for a moment, and then stood up, straightening her skirt and trying to feel like the CEO she was before all this, the kind that wouldn't fall apart in the presence of a child.  "Don't tell Tony, alright?  I want to do it."

He opens his mouth, closes it, but doesn't really agree.

"Peter."  There's a note of warning in her voice.  "If you tell him, I kill you, alright?"

He actually has the nerve to smile at her.

 

 

 

There's a package waiting for her on her desk the next morning.

It's a Spider-Man onesie, and for the first time, Pepper feels herself getting a little bit excited.

 

 

 

She still doesn't tell him.

One week turns into a week and half, and finally, Pepper is ready to face the facts.

Ready or not, she's going to be a mom.  And Tony's going to be the dad.

Pepper spends a lot of time between then and now pushing away her real work to patrol the internet for everything relating to babies.  She looks at themes for baby showers, and cute gender reveals.  She looks up names, and starts a wish list on amazon, all of which would probably waiting for her in the kitchen as soon as Tony finds out she made it.  And she plans out how to tell Tony.

It's at dinner.  Not a fancy one, this time, because even with all their money and the fact that Tony's a superhero and she's made the list of 100 most influential women in the world, they're simple people.  This time, it's going to be pizza and pop and shitty movies that they'd seen a hundred times, and when she tells him, she's going to be happy about it.  She might be afraid, and she might not be ready, but she's going to be happy.  

Which is why, when he starts talking about dreams and thinking she's pregnant and talking in a way that makes her think that this time, he really does know, she lies.

"No."  He's talking haphazardly enough that she does not have to fake the agitation in her voice.  "No kids.  Not with you in the suit."

She would tell him later.  Two days from now, at a dinner neither of them would miss.  It would be ordinary and special at the same time, and it would be romantic, and it would be for the two of them.  For once, they were going to get their happy ending, and Tony would have all the best doctors on the phone the next morning, all of them dying to be the one to deliver the heir to Stark Industries.  

That was the plan, at least.

It might have worked, if another portal hadn't opened up in the sky.

 

 

 

See, the thing about being in love to Tony Stark, is that just like all heroes, he does not belong to you.

He doesn't belong to anyone either, just the world and his ideal s and the idea that he has to be the one to save people, as many people as he can, over and over again, no matter what it costs him.  Its why she didn't want to get married, it's why she was afraid to have kids- Pepper was always preparing for the moment where he leaves and doesn't come back.

"Friday."  She's whispering, again.  FRIDAY is, too.  "Is he going to be alright?"

"I can't tell, Ms. Potts."  A machine is not built for comfort.  Pepper wishes it was.  "I would like to say so."

"Good."  There is a whole in the sky.  There's a sector of wizards that work to protect the city.  Aliens are going to invade and wipe out half the earth, with no clue as to who might die and who will live.  There is nothing good about it.  "I'd like him to come home, FRIDAY."

"I know, Ms. Potts."  It's her own voice, reflected.  The closest Tony could get to having her when Pepper was gone.  It's a reminder of lost time, and even though she knew it had been necessary, it makes her angry at herself all over again.  "He will, if he can.  He will for you." 

 

 

He calls her to say that he is not coming home.

They've had a lot of these calls.  Where the suit fails, and he won't make it home for dinner.  Where he goes to fight off some terrorists in a country she didn't know existed, take some goat herder back to America and set his kids up in college and pull a retirement fund out of thin air.  Where the bad guys were after him, where he gets in a fight with Steve and can't fly home, where he has to do the right thing, no matter what.  And all those times, even though she was terrified, even though she hated it, she understood.

This was not like those times.  This time, it was not just the two of them.  This time, they were going to have a kid, and he didn't even know it.

"No."  She was crying.  Pepper wondered if he could hear it.  "Do you understand me Tony?  Come.  Home."

The last time he went up to space, she thought that she was saying good bye.   Thought she was going to watch him leave this life from a television screen, all in the comfort of their private jet.  That he was going to blow himself to kingdom come.  But he came home.

This time, though, it might be something that they can't beat.  This time, it might be the end of all of them, and even though there's no way they can afford for Tony to back down, she wants him to come home.  To come back to her.

"I will come home."  He's breathing heavy.  Pepper wonders if he's fighting something.  He did that, once, kept talking to her through a fight on one of their anniversaries, and then took a punch to the stomach because he was distracted.  She made him promise not to do it again.  "Just need to kick some alien butt first."

"Not this time.  Not you."  She stamps her foot, angry.  She wants a suit.  She wants to fly to him, and take him home.  "Come  _home,_ Tony."

"I can't, Pepper."

They are breaking up, going in and out,  and for the first time, Pepper realizes that this is really it.  Do or die.  The last chance that she might ever get.  And even though she wants to just say that she loves him, over and over until he cannot doubt it, because he always doubts it, there are more important things to say.  

"I'm pregnant."  Static.  "Do you hear me, Tony?  I'm pregnant.  We're going to be parents."

There is no response.  No crying, no laughing, no half-assed attempt at a joke by asking her who the father was.

Just static.

Pepper can't quite tell, but she thinks that its worse than a real good bye. 

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on Instagram @olive.writes.fanfic


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